The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the head lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . .
even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer! Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it, it's only good for wallowing in.
The moral forms the resolution for the new year, don't ever regret or look back on what happened unless it's good ;)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Funny quotes from kids
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Children's View of Love and Marriage (U.S.A)
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
The price of pregnancy
A Twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit.
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
Happy and long marriage!!
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Old Granny Parkinson
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
Programmer ?
Q: What is a programmer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
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