Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Types of Sex - Hallway sex & Rodeo Bull Rider Sex
This joke explains two very interesting types of sex namely, Hall way sex & Rodeo Bull Rider Sex
Hallway sex is when you pass each other in the hallway and say F@CK YOU!
(Usually happens after 10 yrs of marriage)
What is Rodeo Bull Rider Sex? That is when you are on top of your woman in bed and you say, "Honey, you are only HALF as good as your BEST FRIEND in bed", and then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds!
Hallway sex is when you pass each other in the hallway and say F@CK YOU!
(Usually happens after 10 yrs of marriage)
What is Rodeo Bull Rider Sex? That is when you are on top of your woman in bed and you say, "Honey, you are only HALF as good as your BEST FRIEND in bed", and then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds!
Skinny drippin'
A very elderly man '80 something' in New Hampshire had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Next time you go to the movies
Next time you go to the movies, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events. These jokes have a strange but true ring to them.
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9) All phone numbers in the universe start with 555
10) You can always find a parking spot right in front of the building you are going to
11) If the person is a bad guy they will die instantly when struck by a bullet anywhere on their body. A good guy can take at least 4-2500 bullets and will survive to meet his super-model lover in the hospital.
12) When a single guy is looking for a woman, he doesn't have to mess with sorting through the ugly and fat chicks, they are only seen for a few brief seconds, and who would when you have supermodels your age living on both sides of your house.
13) Guns don't actually HAVE to be reloaded, but when you are between killings, you might as well because it looks cool
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9) All phone numbers in the universe start with 555
10) You can always find a parking spot right in front of the building you are going to
11) If the person is a bad guy they will die instantly when struck by a bullet anywhere on their body. A good guy can take at least 4-2500 bullets and will survive to meet his super-model lover in the hospital.
12) When a single guy is looking for a woman, he doesn't have to mess with sorting through the ugly and fat chicks, they are only seen for a few brief seconds, and who would when you have supermodels your age living on both sides of your house.
13) Guns don't actually HAVE to be reloaded, but when you are between killings, you might as well because it looks cool
Best salesman ? What's in your purse ?
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on
the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it very well he
thought.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said
"One!" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did
you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you
might as well go fishing."
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on
the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it very well he
thought.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said
"One!" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did
you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you
might as well go fishing."
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Diane go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Diane.
If Mike, Dave and Walt go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
If Laura, Kate and Diane go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Diane.
If Mike, Dave and Walt go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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