A drunk walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The "Osama" Genie
The Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand &picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand &picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
25th wedding anniversary gift
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
Which hole ?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Blonde's dumb ? - most times than not
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
Teacher pwned - Little Johnny's back ...
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
The Coat Hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what
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