The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the head lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . .
even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer! Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it, it's only good for wallowing in.
The moral forms the resolution for the new year, don't ever regret or look back on what happened unless it's good ;)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Funny quotes from kids
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Children's View of Love and Marriage (U.S.A)
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
The price of pregnancy
A Twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit.
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
Happy and long marriage!!
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Old Granny Parkinson
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
Programmer ?
Q: What is a programmer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
Mother in law
Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the king. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The king didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"
Sugarbrown
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and ...?
Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are 'THE seven dwarfs' they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'
Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe '
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?'
The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
Dopey leads the pack.
'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'
Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe '
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?'
The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
Doctor's visit
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..." "Eight..."
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..." "Eight..."
Installing L-O-V-E
Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Pirates of the Sea"ribbean"
The Old Man and the Sea (real title)
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
Handsome peter
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Friday, December 21, 2007
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be work soon........ You got nice house."
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be work soon........ You got nice house."
A Man Who Knows His Math
He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing..
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing..
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
Yet another blonde joke
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
A Good Christmas Divorce Joke
A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, 'I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
MY son's the best
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave hi s best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: "A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. >And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave hi s best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: "A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. >And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Monday, December 10, 2007
Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't
# I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
# How about never? Is never good for you?
# I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
# I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
# I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
# I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
# I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
# It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
# Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
# I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
# Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
# The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
# I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
# If I throw a stick, will you leave?
# Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
# I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
# Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
Cheers :)
Kish
# How about never? Is never good for you?
# I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
# I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
# I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
# I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
# I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
# It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
# Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
# I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
# Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
# The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
# I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
# If I throw a stick, will you leave?
# Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
# I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
# Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
Cheers :)
Kish
I wanna help samantha...
Teacher asks children, What do you wish to do in future?
Jon: I want to be Musician cum singer cum actor...
Michael: I want to be a Basketball player...
Samantha: I just want to be a good and nice mother...
Johnny: I want to help Samantha !!!
Jon: I want to be Musician cum singer cum actor...
Michael: I want to be a Basketball player...
Samantha: I just want to be a good and nice mother...
Johnny: I want to help Samantha !!!
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