December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail.
--
I like her plans for Jan 1... LMAO !
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
OK, Now that's funny :)))
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
---
Totally agree with her, the kid's got brains... smart !
---
Totally agree with her, the kid's got brains... smart !
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Okay, 150th post... so some very important lesson here
Recipe: How To Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
--
Words can't describe what... making love means, you must be there to experience it ;))
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
--
Words can't describe what... making love means, you must be there to experience it ;))
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Cat goes to heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ’You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.
---
Cat 'n' mouse - all around, heck heaven's no exception ;))
The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.
---
Cat 'n' mouse - all around, heck heaven's no exception ;))
Bar boy
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Small one liners
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
---
LMAO, answer to the second question is spot on ! :))
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
---
LMAO, answer to the second question is spot on ! :))
A whore or a wife ?
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"
---
talk about mixed emotions here, hahahaha!
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"
---
talk about mixed emotions here, hahahaha!
Clean up - Register 5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
---
ROFL, now that's wicked !
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
---
ROFL, now that's wicked !
Few things guys want girls to know ;))
Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around
We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too
No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole
Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends
And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around
We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too
No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole
Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends
And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
What aaa wifey
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30
inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is
slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls,
he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady
started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30
inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is
slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls,
he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady
started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Husband Store
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like drinking.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like drinking.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Open letter to Employees - by Management
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
--
hilarious baby, what else can I say :))
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
--
hilarious baby, what else can I say :))
Mixed emotions
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis".
Interesting facts about sex
Global facts......At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 lonely person is reading this...
You hang in there, Sunshine...
--
d'oh !
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 lonely person is reading this...
You hang in there, Sunshine...
--
d'oh !
A Special Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the Son of a Bitch!
--
rofl :D
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the Son of a Bitch!
--
rofl :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)