A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ’You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.
---
Cat 'n' mouse - all around, heck heaven's no exception ;))
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Bar boy
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Small one liners
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
---
LMAO, answer to the second question is spot on ! :))
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.
---
LMAO, answer to the second question is spot on ! :))
A whore or a wife ?
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"
---
talk about mixed emotions here, hahahaha!
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"
---
talk about mixed emotions here, hahahaha!
Clean up - Register 5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
---
ROFL, now that's wicked !
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
---
ROFL, now that's wicked !
Few things guys want girls to know ;))
Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around
We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too
No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole
Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends
And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around
We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too
No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole
Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends
And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)