Asshole is always in charge

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge.

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Resting on my ass, what else can I say...

Martha Stewart's Resolution/Holiday Calendar

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail.

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I like her plans for Jan 1... LMAO !

OK, Now that's funny :)))

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

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Totally agree with her, the kid's got brains... smart !

Okay, 150th post... so some very important lesson here

Recipe: How To Make Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
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Words can't describe what... making love means, you must be there to experience it ;))

Cat goes to heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ’You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.

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Cat 'n' mouse - all around, heck heaven's no exception ;))

Bar boy

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Small one liners

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.


Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.

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LMAO, answer to the second question is spot on ! :))