A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing." they ask her.
So she replies "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breathe."
--
It's all about CHOICE ! ... ;))
Saturday, April 25, 2009
A mexican, an american, and the pollock
A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
That's when she shot him...
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million . Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million . She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you'.
That's when she shot him...
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million . Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million . She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you'.
That's when she shot him...
Cigarette condoms
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
--
Camel, Kools, and Marlboros are cigs if you didn't know by now !
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
--
Camel, Kools, and Marlboros are cigs if you didn't know by now !
Lil Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" Little johnny was raising his hand but the teacher called on clyde. clyde said "I think its the heart." Little Johnny was still raising his hand but the teacher wouldn't call on him so she instead called on carl. carl said "I think its the brain." Little Johnny was still raising his hand and finally the teacher decided that he couldn't twist this into a bad thing. she called on little Johnny and he said "I think its the feet because I walked past my parents room and my mom had her feet pointing towards the ceiling and she said 'Oh God Im COMING!!"
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" Little johnny was raising his hand but the teacher called on clyde. clyde said "I think its the heart." Little Johnny was still raising his hand but the teacher wouldn't call on him so she instead called on carl. carl said "I think its the brain." Little Johnny was still raising his hand and finally the teacher decided that he couldn't twist this into a bad thing. she called on little Johnny and he said "I think its the feet because I walked past my parents room and my mom had her feet pointing towards the ceiling and she said 'Oh God Im COMING!!"
Little Johnny & the train
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out, but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming.
Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks, and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing and I'll stop being bad!"
Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!
Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
--
Wicked !
Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks, and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing and I'll stop being bad!"
Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!
Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
--
Wicked !
Friday, April 24, 2009
How to call the police - when someone's stealing from you
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-- -- --
The stuff that's given above is a true story... and it tells you why you shouldn't mess with wise and old people ;))
The same can be done in our city too, just for laughs !
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-- -- --
The stuff that's given above is a true story... and it tells you why you shouldn't mess with wise and old people ;))
The same can be done in our city too, just for laughs !
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