Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Types of Sex - Hallway sex & Rodeo Bull Rider Sex
This joke explains two very interesting types of sex namely, Hall way sex & Rodeo Bull Rider Sex
Hallway sex is when you pass each other in the hallway and say F@CK YOU!
(Usually happens after 10 yrs of marriage)
What is Rodeo Bull Rider Sex? That is when you are on top of your woman in bed and you say, "Honey, you are only HALF as good as your BEST FRIEND in bed", and then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds!
Hallway sex is when you pass each other in the hallway and say F@CK YOU!
(Usually happens after 10 yrs of marriage)
What is Rodeo Bull Rider Sex? That is when you are on top of your woman in bed and you say, "Honey, you are only HALF as good as your BEST FRIEND in bed", and then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds!
Skinny drippin'
A very elderly man '80 something' in New Hampshire had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Next time you go to the movies
Next time you go to the movies, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events. These jokes have a strange but true ring to them.
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9) All phone numbers in the universe start with 555
10) You can always find a parking spot right in front of the building you are going to
11) If the person is a bad guy they will die instantly when struck by a bullet anywhere on their body. A good guy can take at least 4-2500 bullets and will survive to meet his super-model lover in the hospital.
12) When a single guy is looking for a woman, he doesn't have to mess with sorting through the ugly and fat chicks, they are only seen for a few brief seconds, and who would when you have supermodels your age living on both sides of your house.
13) Guns don't actually HAVE to be reloaded, but when you are between killings, you might as well because it looks cool
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9) All phone numbers in the universe start with 555
10) You can always find a parking spot right in front of the building you are going to
11) If the person is a bad guy they will die instantly when struck by a bullet anywhere on their body. A good guy can take at least 4-2500 bullets and will survive to meet his super-model lover in the hospital.
12) When a single guy is looking for a woman, he doesn't have to mess with sorting through the ugly and fat chicks, they are only seen for a few brief seconds, and who would when you have supermodels your age living on both sides of your house.
13) Guns don't actually HAVE to be reloaded, but when you are between killings, you might as well because it looks cool
Best salesman ? What's in your purse ?
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on
the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it very well he
thought.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said
"One!" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did
you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you
might as well go fishing."
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on
the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it very well he
thought.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said
"One!" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did
you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you
might as well go fishing."
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Diane go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Diane.
If Mike, Dave and Walt go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
If Laura, Kate and Diane go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Diane.
If Mike, Dave and Walt go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Waiting Room
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing..
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my w1lly,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't p1ss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my w1lly,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't p1ss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Older & Wiser
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with sexy body.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with sexy body.
Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
You can send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
You can send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Mail from THE OTHER SIDE
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
How to get a refund ?
Sally went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special sale."
Suddenly, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
A crowd is beginning to form. The manager is called.
He asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" Sally explained the problem with the toaster,
and he repeats that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, Sally says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
PS note guys, it won't work for you so don't get any ideas
the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special sale."
Suddenly, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
A crowd is beginning to form. The manager is called.
He asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" Sally explained the problem with the toaster,
and he repeats that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, Sally throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, Sally says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
PS note guys, it won't work for you so don't get any ideas
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband whispers to his wife "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina?"
"Yes" she says.
The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband whispers to his wife "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina?"
"Yes" she says.
The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS!
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Violent Bartender
A drunk walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
The "Osama" Genie
The Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand &picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand &picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
25th wedding anniversary gift
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
Which hole ?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Blonde's dumb ? - most times than not
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
Teacher pwned - Little Johnny's back ...
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
The Coat Hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Yank & the frog
An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle i t, tra nsform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle i t, tra nsform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .
Monday, February 4, 2008
Facts of love and life ...
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Information Security = Funny quote
"Smart people are falling for phishing because attackers are coming up with more sophisticated techniques," said Allan Paller, research director at the SANS Institute
Actually, smart people are the ones who "DON'T" fall prey to phishers, *coughs*
IAM A BIG FAN OF SANS INSTITUTE PAPERS, AND COURSES, BUT DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY I'LL ACCEPT ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY COME UP WITH, ESPECIALLY ONES LIKE THIS...
If I remember well, a noted security expert Richard Beijlitch of TaoSecurity rejected the offer to be amongst the crew members of SANS for discussing, publishing trends called the SANS TOP 20 list... for similar reasons ;)
Actually, smart people are the ones who "DON'T" fall prey to phishers, *coughs*
IAM A BIG FAN OF SANS INSTITUTE PAPERS, AND COURSES, BUT DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY I'LL ACCEPT ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY COME UP WITH, ESPECIALLY ONES LIKE THIS...
If I remember well, a noted security expert Richard Beijlitch of TaoSecurity rejected the offer to be amongst the crew members of SANS for discussing, publishing trends called the SANS TOP 20 list... for similar reasons ;)
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