The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the head lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . .
even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer! Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.
Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it, it's only good for wallowing in.
The moral forms the resolution for the new year, don't ever regret or look back on what happened unless it's good ;)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Funny quotes from kids
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Ross, why do you always get so dirty?
ROSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: (interrupting her student) No, Millie.....Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Children's View of Love and Marriage (U.S.A)
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
The price of pregnancy
A Twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit.
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
The test result shows that the girl is, truly pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"Then you try again."
Happy and long marriage!!
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife said, "That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said........
"That's once".
"And we lived happily ever after"!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Old Granny Parkinson
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
Programmer ?
Q: What is a programmer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way
You do not understand.
Mother in law
Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the king. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The king didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"
Sugarbrown
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and ...?
Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are 'THE seven dwarfs' they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'
Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe '
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?'
The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
Dopey leads the pack.
'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'
Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe '
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?'
The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
Doctor's visit
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..." "Eight..."
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..." "Eight..."
Installing L-O-V-E
Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Pirates of the Sea"ribbean"
The Old Man and the Sea (real title)
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
Handsome peter
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Friday, December 21, 2007
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be work soon........ You got nice house."
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be work soon........ You got nice house."
A Man Who Knows His Math
He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing..
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing..
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
Yet another blonde joke
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
A Good Christmas Divorce Joke
A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, 'I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
MY son's the best
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave hi s best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: "A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. >And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave hi s best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: "A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. >And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Monday, December 10, 2007
Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't
# I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
# How about never? Is never good for you?
# I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
# I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
# I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
# I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
# I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
# It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
# Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
# I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
# Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
# The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
# I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
# If I throw a stick, will you leave?
# Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
# I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
# Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
Cheers :)
Kish
# How about never? Is never good for you?
# I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
# I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
# I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
# I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
# I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
# It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
# Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
# I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
# Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
# The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
# I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
# If I throw a stick, will you leave?
# Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
# I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
# Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
Cheers :)
Kish
I wanna help samantha...
Teacher asks children, What do you wish to do in future?
Jon: I want to be Musician cum singer cum actor...
Michael: I want to be a Basketball player...
Samantha: I just want to be a good and nice mother...
Johnny: I want to help Samantha !!!
Jon: I want to be Musician cum singer cum actor...
Michael: I want to be a Basketball player...
Samantha: I just want to be a good and nice mother...
Johnny: I want to help Samantha !!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Life's tough when you're stupid !
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
Ever driven a HONDA ??
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
Fundamental logic in CREATION of humans
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid! so I would be attracted to you!
Cheers :)
Kish
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid! so I would be attracted to you!
Cheers :)
Kish
Would I lie ?
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
WEDDING CEREMONY
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'
The whole audience including priest started laughing....
But not the poor groom!
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'
The whole audience including priest started laughing....
But not the poor groom!
Computer wife
Dear Wife,
I'm sending you this email, to bring you up to date on the events of our family!
I tried to talk to you, While you were on your computer, But you just kept telling me that, You would BRB...?? Whatever that means! So, I decided to send you this email.
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when... He hears the "UT OH" sound?
Sorry about him dropping his Peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working ok since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of the letters had been rubbed off!
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack, underneath the cobwebs, where she found them!
Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school Now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games... if... we bought you a laptop to bring along?
Do you remember him? He's the one who... empties your Port-a-Potty for you!
Let's see... since the last time I wrote you... ( 3 months ago ), the refrigerator had to be replaced, The dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room, where your computer is... hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes... and I have a new job!
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again... next time... the power goes off! :-))
Love,
Your Husband
I'm sending you this email, to bring you up to date on the events of our family!
I tried to talk to you, While you were on your computer, But you just kept telling me that, You would BRB...?? Whatever that means! So, I decided to send you this email.
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when... He hears the "UT OH" sound?
Sorry about him dropping his Peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working ok since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of the letters had been rubbed off!
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack, underneath the cobwebs, where she found them!
Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school Now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games... if... we bought you a laptop to bring along?
Do you remember him? He's the one who... empties your Port-a-Potty for you!
Let's see... since the last time I wrote you... ( 3 months ago ), the refrigerator had to be replaced, The dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room, where your computer is... hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes... and I have a new job!
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again... next time... the power goes off! :-))
Love,
Your Husband
Irish prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
What would you do
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Side effects of beer
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle
(You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
The music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job
Cheers all !
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle
(You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
The music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job
Cheers all !
Saturday, November 17, 2007
The CLASSIC - Arabian Restaurant...
A fleeing taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I don't need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.
The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," gasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I don't need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.
The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," gasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie."
How funjabi can you become ;) ?
How funjabi can you become ;) ?
He is sooo funjabi ...
* He thought a hockey defender was a refund.
* He thought Gurdass mann was a CD for FATS.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' he wrote 'Sagittarius.'
He was sooooo funjabi...
* He took the ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* He sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under 'education' on his job application, he put 'Hooked on Crickit'
He was sooooooo funjabi...
* He studied for a blood test.
* He sold the car for petrol money.
* When he went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' he turned around and went home
How much more funjabi can this get ?
* When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
* He thought if he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
* He thought that he could not use his AM radio in the evening.
* He had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which he thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
This is too funjabi to handle...
He thinks BSNL is the ONLY phone company that provides internet. period.
--
No offense, punjabi mates ! (we're all indians, sometimes you guys pull our legs, at other times, we pull yours) hehe !
He is sooo funjabi ...
* He thought a hockey defender was a refund.
* He thought Gurdass mann was a CD for FATS.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' he wrote 'Sagittarius.'
He was sooooo funjabi...
* He took the ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* He sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under 'education' on his job application, he put 'Hooked on Crickit'
He was sooooooo funjabi...
* He studied for a blood test.
* He sold the car for petrol money.
* When he went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' he turned around and went home
How much more funjabi can this get ?
* When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
* He thought if he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
* He thought that he could not use his AM radio in the evening.
* He had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which he thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
This is too funjabi to handle...
He thinks BSNL is the ONLY phone company that provides internet. period.
--
No offense, punjabi mates ! (we're all indians, sometimes you guys pull our legs, at other times, we pull yours) hehe !
Thursday, November 15, 2007
IT User Manual
1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have an IT person fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in her face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know anything about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as "crap".
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.
28. When you bump into an IT person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.
Couldn't blog for a while, that's why wrote this today ...
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have an IT person fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in her face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know anything about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as "crap".
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.
28. When you bump into an IT person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.
Couldn't blog for a while, that's why wrote this today ...
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Creative T-Shirt Designs
I wish I had all of them, but it would hurt really to have all of them, cuz there will be nothing to wish for if I had them all ... right ;) ?
15 things to do while ordering pizza
1. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
2. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
3. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
4. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
5. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
6. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $15.35; please pull up to the first window."
7. Ask if you can Rent a pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Ask to see a menu.
10. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
11. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
12. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza as a topping.
13. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
14. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
15. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
2. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
3. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
4. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
5. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
6. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $15.35; please pull up to the first window."
7. Ask if you can Rent a pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Ask to see a menu.
10. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
11. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
12. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza as a topping.
13. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
14. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
15. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
New Chief Samurai
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed
a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration
throughout the entire known world that he was
searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the
very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese
samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The
Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a
bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee
dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The
emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese
samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be
chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and
out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The
fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and
asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief
samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out
flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the
gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very
ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision
is not meant to kill."
a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration
throughout the entire known world that he was
searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the
very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese
samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The
Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a
bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee
dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The
emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese
samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be
chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and
out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The
fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and
asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief
samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out
flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the
gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very
ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision
is not meant to kill."
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Freaky swirls
The site is in French. Basically, the first screen asks you to select the rotation (left or right) by clicking on the circle. Then select the speed. The top circle is slow and the bottom one is faster.
On the third screen, click on the work GO and you will be presented with a swirl and a red dot in the center. Look at the red dot for 30 seconds. Once the 30 seconds has elapsed, look at your hand on the mouse or something of a similar distance to your eyes.
Try it and post your comments
http://www.psikopat.com/html/spirale.htm
On the third screen, click on the work GO and you will be presented with a swirl and a red dot in the center. Look at the red dot for 30 seconds. Once the 30 seconds has elapsed, look at your hand on the mouse or something of a similar distance to your eyes.
Try it and post your comments
http://www.psikopat.com/html/spirale.htm
Liberal Jokes
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
Make Sentence
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
Blonde Coffee Drinker
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
Thursday, October 25, 2007
How smart are you...
http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm
Take this test, and post your scores in the comments section
Cheers :)
MY SCORE:
You GOT a score of 2 out of 11
Your rating: I'm sure you're good at sports...
This is based on the Simon Evans score rating system
answers below
Now Here's the Twist;), your answers not only can tell your current intelligence, but the combination can also forecast your upcoming love life:
Your Projected Love Life: You must be a Love Machine.. You did get some right?
Take this test, and post your scores in the comments section
Cheers :)
MY SCORE:
You GOT a score of 2 out of 11
Your rating: I'm sure you're good at sports...
This is based on the Simon Evans score rating system
answers below
Now Here's the Twist;), your answers not only can tell your current intelligence, but the combination can also forecast your upcoming love life:
Your Projected Love Life: You must be a Love Machine.. You did get some right?
Female compassion ;-))
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f*#ked?"
The fellow said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f*#ked?"
The fellow said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
3 Surgeons, who's the greatest ?
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.
One of them said: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost
seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold
medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said: "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass
and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
they had performed.
One of them said: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost
seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold
medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said: "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass
and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
Monday, October 22, 2007
Lie Detector - Robot
One day Jack's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today ".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie",
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments",
Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, " After all he is your son, he will be like you"
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.
Don't ask what the moral of the story is ...
(Well actually, don't lie ;)
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today ".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie",
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments",
Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, " After all he is your son, he will be like you"
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.
Don't ask what the moral of the story is ...
(Well actually, don't lie ;)
Few corny pickup jokes
If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;
You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
Guy: Do you have a map?
Girl: No, why do you ask?
Guy: Because I think I just got lost in your eyes.
Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because you just took my breath away!
Boy: Did you eat Lucky Charms this morning?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Cause you're looking magically delicious!
Man: He must be so happy!
Woman: Who?
Man: Your father.
Woman: Why?
Man: Because he gets to see an angel everyday.
You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
Guy: Do you have a map?
Girl: No, why do you ask?
Guy: Because I think I just got lost in your eyes.
Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because you just took my breath away!
Boy: Did you eat Lucky Charms this morning?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Cause you're looking magically delicious!
Man: He must be so happy!
Woman: Who?
Man: Your father.
Woman: Why?
Man: Because he gets to see an angel everyday.
Time to reassess your relationship with the box
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
WOMEN - Complex or not ?
Women Are Such Complex Creatures:
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it is a girls way.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.
If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
IN SHORT...
So simple, yet so complex,
So weak, yet so powerful,
So confusing, yet so desirable,
So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it is a girls way.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.
If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
IN SHORT...
So simple, yet so complex,
So weak, yet so powerful,
So confusing, yet so desirable,
So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !
THIS IS What it feels like...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
How to make a woman happy...
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
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