"I read in the paper about a man who was 'arrested for killing his girlfriend'. This makes no sense because it seems to me that at the moment you decide to kill someone, you've effectively broken off the relationship. Therefore at the moment you kill them, she is no longer your girlfriend." -George Carlin
"I like meeting girls from the Internet. I'm dating this chick I met on Google Earth." -Judah Friedlander
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! " -Homer Simpson
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Big people words
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, after pausing a few minutes
-
-
-
-
-
-
'Winnie the SH*TE'
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, after pausing a few minutes
-
-
-
-
-
-
'Winnie the SH*TE'
The mourner
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did u have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did u have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
Car names and what they mean
AUDI
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R &; D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment
PINTO
Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC
Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoilt Children Having Everything
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed Auto Builders
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW
Virtually Worthless
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R &; D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment
PINTO
Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC
Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoilt Children Having Everything
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed Auto Builders
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW
Virtually Worthless
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable"
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable"
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Do you love me ?
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Newton's Romantic Laws :))
Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer
from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "
First law:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "
Second law:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
Third law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and
opposite to the force applied by the girl while she slaps."
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer
from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "
First law:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "
Second law:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
Third law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and
opposite to the force applied by the girl while she slaps."
Thursday, October 8, 2009
How drunk are you? Official drinking test
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.
Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.
Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
-
OMG, that's scary shit ... could people be so drunk, lol ?
sidenote, upcoming post is on a drinking test
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
-
OMG, that's scary shit ... could people be so drunk, lol ?
sidenote, upcoming post is on a drinking test
The Lie Detector
One day John came home
with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot
that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2
hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to
the library to work on an extra credit project," said
Tommy.
The robot walked
around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where
you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and
watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his
chair.
With his lip
quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am
sorry I lied. We really
watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son,"
said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked
around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked
around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
edit: (looks like I already posted it earlier, but what the heck... it's a good joke ;) )
--
ROFLs
with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot
that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2
hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to
the library to work on an extra credit project," said
Tommy.
The robot walked
around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where
you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and
watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his
chair.
With his lip
quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am
sorry I lied. We really
watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son,"
said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked
around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked
around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
edit: (looks like I already posted it earlier, but what the heck... it's a good joke ;) )
--
ROFLs
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thought for the day - Funny (Be a dog)
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it, Piss on it and walk away...
--
ROFLMAO !
If you can't eat it or hump it, Piss on it and walk away...
--
ROFLMAO !
Wife taking shower and signalling lessons
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
What are these dad ?
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.''WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied
Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March... :(
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.''WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied
Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March... :(
Have a coffee on me
CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf
Monday, October 5, 2009
Man finds another guy on the bed with his wife
Disclaimer: Please don't read it if you're not an adult. In most countries adults are supposed to be 18 or 21. Peace !
One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to music." The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."
One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to music." The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Naughty little poem (not mine)
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
--
Thank God, I am a good guy, and my mind just imagined the dentist at work ! :D
If any of you doubted me to be the genius behind this work, no !
The poem is a very old one, and it was translated from Danish.
Because, it rhymes better in English :))
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
--
Thank God, I am a good guy, and my mind just imagined the dentist at work ! :D
If any of you doubted me to be the genius behind this work, no !
The poem is a very old one, and it was translated from Danish.
Because, it rhymes better in English :))
House of Prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
--
ROTFL
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
--
ROTFL
Times of India - Funny Commercial
You can use VLC player in Windows, or Linux to play the file (if your browser fails to render it)
Cheers,
Kish
Monday, June 1, 2009
The doctor's assistant
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes".
--
rofl :D
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes".
--
rofl :D
No sex since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you
should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
--
Aww haww haww ... poor girl, she miss-under-stood our wise sergeant... :))
liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you
should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
--
Aww haww haww ... poor girl, she miss-under-stood our wise sergeant... :))
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
dirty politics - why this drama ?
Wow, the first and the best FASTING episode in the history of tamilnadu after 2009 years of earthly existence, by our honourable chief minister.
Fact 1: The fast lasted for 4 hours (err, 3 hours and something)
Fact 2: The fasting started after breakfast, and it ended before lunch.
Fact 3: The air-cooler?? and two wifeys ??
--
A picture is worth a thousand words, ahem ahem !
2 things to worry about
There are only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you wouldn't have time to worry!
--
Either ways, you've got nothing to worry... so, chill... and enjoy life.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you wouldn't have time to worry!
--
Either ways, you've got nothing to worry... so, chill... and enjoy life.
You are INDIAN, If...
ARE YOU INDIAN
You are Indian if...
1. Everything you eat is savored In garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick,tshick,tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now...are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.
24. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).
25. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
26. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
27. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
28. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
29. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
30. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
31. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
32. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
33. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
34. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
35. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.
37. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.
42. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
44. If you didn't stop laughing at yourself now, then that proves you're totally INDIAN.
--
45. All these facts can be verified, and I can assure it is correct...
Well, some people don't understand cultural diversities, and only criticize others...
They better watch "Rang De Basanti" :D
They love to poke it because they think the WEST rules the world... I wish to digress, and would say... make it a habit to spot good points in both EAST and WEST and come up with your own culture / trend... after all, being a trendsetter isn't all that bad, ain't that right? ;)
You are Indian if...
1. Everything you eat is savored In garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick,tshick,tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now...are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.
24. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).
25. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
26. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
27. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
28. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
29. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
30. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
31. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
32. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
33. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
34. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
35. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.
37. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.
42. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
44. If you didn't stop laughing at yourself now, then that proves you're totally INDIAN.
--
45. All these facts can be verified, and I can assure it is correct...
Well, some people don't understand cultural diversities, and only criticize others...
They better watch "Rang De Basanti" :D
They love to poke it because they think the WEST rules the world... I wish to digress, and would say... make it a habit to spot good points in both EAST and WEST and come up with your own culture / trend... after all, being a trendsetter isn't all that bad, ain't that right? ;)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Cost cutting chair - Demo
With the cost cutting chair, you can not only minimize the cost of one chair... but also space.
Isn't that nice, a chair that helps you save a chair's cost, and your space also gets max utilization.
Peace!
Cost cutting in Chairs
This 9th wonder of the world is dedicated to the "over-exaggerated" recession!
Ladies and Gentlemen, lend me your eyes ... Presenting "DA COST CUTTING CHAIR !"
Coming up in the next post... is a picture demonstrating how to use the chair...
Ladies and Gentlemen, lend me your eyes ... Presenting "DA COST CUTTING CHAIR !"
Coming up in the next post... is a picture demonstrating how to use the chair...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Man returning home after night shift
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!", he continued...
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
--
night shifts are scary, this is another reason ! lol !
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!", he continued...
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
--
night shifts are scary, this is another reason ! lol !
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Layoff Classic
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!
Official jargon
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who has to be blamed for a missed deadline or a failed project.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.
Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.
Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.
Monday, May 11, 2009
An Italian man making his confession
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Little Johnny, Mommy's balloons
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
Monday, May 4, 2009
Warning: Don't be conned
Warning: Don't be conned
This POST is NOT a joke, as always ... it's an exceptionally serious issue, so don't be conned, or fall prey to impostors, and bad guys...
Message:
Don't dial 90# or 09#, #09 or any other combination requested by any technician / serviceman CLAIMING TO BE from your subscriber, on Nokia, and Motorola mobiles these codes are used by telephone service men to test line connectivity, these codes can also steal your number, and enable the caller to use your mobile to make calls, and bill it on your number.
Technically,the caller can SPOOF HIS NUMBER to make calls, which will be routed through and billed on your number so stay alert, terrorists have used these type of conning tricks in the past,and use it now so be careful, and spread the word ...
The information has been confirmed, by Nokia, Motorola, and CNN websites.
This POST is NOT a joke, as always ... it's an exceptionally serious issue, so don't be conned, or fall prey to impostors, and bad guys...
Message:
Don't dial 90# or 09#, #09 or any other combination requested by any technician / serviceman CLAIMING TO BE from your subscriber, on Nokia, and Motorola mobiles these codes are used by telephone service men to test line connectivity, these codes can also steal your number, and enable the caller to use your mobile to make calls, and bill it on your number.
Technically,the caller can SPOOF HIS NUMBER to make calls, which will be routed through and billed on your number so stay alert, terrorists have used these type of conning tricks in the past,and use it now so be careful, and spread the word ...
The information has been confirmed, by Nokia, Motorola, and CNN websites.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Priceless
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral :
Self-induced hangover - 1500
Broken crockery - 20,000
Breakfast - 100
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"
--
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's mastercard, or is it visa... yea, whatever !
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral :
Self-induced hangover - 1500
Broken crockery - 20,000
Breakfast - 100
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"
--
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's mastercard, or is it visa... yea, whatever !
Men Vs Women, at the Shower
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex..
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex..
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Very official love letter !
To,
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)
American Radio's BEST come back line ever
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. Then, they added this...
"You gotta love the Marines! AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!"
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. Then, they added this...
"You gotta love the Marines! AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!"
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS (this is back from Dec/Nov 2008, lay in my archives of jokes)
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS [GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA]
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.
WINE - BOTTLED, NOT CASK
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
SPIRITS - CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you're in.
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS & SLAMMERS - TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
SPIRITS - JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard.
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He's old, likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
WINE
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
--
couldn't agree more, with the bacardi breezer thing... i know a girl like that...
and to that girl, you know who you are ... 10x to the joke!
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS [GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA]
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.
WINE - BOTTLED, NOT CASK
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
SPIRITS - CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you're in.
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS & SLAMMERS - TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
SPIRITS - JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard.
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He's old, likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
WINE
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
--
couldn't agree more, with the bacardi breezer thing... i know a girl like that...
and to that girl, you know who you are ... 10x to the joke!
Little known facts about humans
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs!
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs!
And then the fight started
1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".
And then the fight started.....
4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ...
5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....
And then the fight started....
2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".
And then the fight started.....
4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ...
5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....
Sex Drive
There was this man that had been married for 10 years and was unable to provide his wife with an orgasm. He went to the doctor and explained the situation to him. The doctor prescribed a book on love making. So off he went to buy this book and try it out that night. The next day he went back to the doctor and said Look Doc, we read the book and tried all night, but still nothing.
The doctor then said I've heard about this secret method that is supposed to be a certainty.
You need to get a masseur to gently wave a towel over your wife as you're doing it.
The man thought that was a bit strange but he said he would give it a go.
He hired this big swedish masseur for the night.
As they were going for it the masseur waved the towel gently over her but nothing was happening. He hired the masseur for another night but this time he swapped places with the masseur. As his wife and the masseur were going for it, he gently waved the towel over his wife and she exploded with multiple orgasms.He leaned over to the masseur and said "Now thats how you wave the f...ing towel.
--
LMAO and falls off the chair... couldn't stop laughing !
The doctor then said I've heard about this secret method that is supposed to be a certainty.
You need to get a masseur to gently wave a towel over your wife as you're doing it.
The man thought that was a bit strange but he said he would give it a go.
He hired this big swedish masseur for the night.
As they were going for it the masseur waved the towel gently over her but nothing was happening. He hired the masseur for another night but this time he swapped places with the masseur. As his wife and the masseur were going for it, he gently waved the towel over his wife and she exploded with multiple orgasms.He leaned over to the masseur and said "Now thats how you wave the f...ing towel.
--
LMAO and falls off the chair... couldn't stop laughing !
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Boardroom Bingo
Do you keep falling asleep in business meetings and seminars?
And what about those long and boring conference calls?
There is now a way to change all of that.
It's called Bullshit(Boardroom) Bingo.
Here's how it works:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your Bullshit Bingo card by drawing a square – 5 inches x 5 inches is a good size - and dividing it into columns and rows - five across and five down. This will give you 25 x one inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in EACH block, in any sequence you like:
synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, take that offline, 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value added, proactive, win/win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, empower (or empowerment), knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), ballpark, game plan, leverage, and paradigm.
3. Cross out the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks in a row, horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!
--
roflmao !
And what about those long and boring conference calls?
There is now a way to change all of that.
It's called Bullshit(Boardroom) Bingo.
Here's how it works:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your Bullshit Bingo card by drawing a square – 5 inches x 5 inches is a good size - and dividing it into columns and rows - five across and five down. This will give you 25 x one inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in EACH block, in any sequence you like:
synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, take that offline, 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value added, proactive, win/win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, empower (or empowerment), knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), ballpark, game plan, leverage, and paradigm.
3. Cross out the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks in a row, horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!
--
roflmao !
Who said English is easy?
Fill in the following blank with "Yes" or "No"
a) ______ , I don't have a BRAIN .
Who said English is easy ?
a) ______ , I don't have a BRAIN .
Who said English is easy ?
Garage door (a.k.a "The Fly")
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
Some funny ones...
Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It's only when u leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.........And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
--
With this post, this blog has been updated to 18+ only, since there's quite some adult content involved in the jokes ... its been pending for some time now !
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.........And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
--
With this post, this blog has been updated to 18+ only, since there's quite some adult content involved in the jokes ... its been pending for some time now !
Friendly Beer
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children",
third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He
takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,
"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,
"You are the reason I don't have a wife",
second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children",
third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He
takes the bottle, puts it aside and says,
"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"
A perfect scam
The Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, People place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few People will not present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"
--
LMAO! ... Werd.
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, People place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few People will not present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"
--
LMAO! ... Werd.
Prison is no joke !
The inmates settle down for their afternoon lunch one day when suddenly, a man stands up, yells "#46!!" and the room lights up in laughter.
Another moment later another inmate stands, screams, "#65!!!" and again was met by wild hoots & laughter.
One of the new convicts is confused by this and asks the neighboring inmate what #46 is. The seasoned veteran explains that they have heard all the jokes so many times - they have given them numbers and everyone knows just which joke it is.
This amused the new inmate and he asked if it would be alright to give it a try. The elder inmate finally agrees to tell him one of the jokes corresponding with the right number.
The fresh inmate, excited to tell the joke, stands and screams, "#77!!" - and he was met with a cold silence. No laughter, no cheering, just blank looks and the quiet.
He sits back down, looks at the old timer and asks what he could have done wrong?
The elder shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders and simple states, "Some can tell 'em - some can't!"
Another moment later another inmate stands, screams, "#65!!!" and again was met by wild hoots & laughter.
One of the new convicts is confused by this and asks the neighboring inmate what #46 is. The seasoned veteran explains that they have heard all the jokes so many times - they have given them numbers and everyone knows just which joke it is.
This amused the new inmate and he asked if it would be alright to give it a try. The elder inmate finally agrees to tell him one of the jokes corresponding with the right number.
The fresh inmate, excited to tell the joke, stands and screams, "#77!!" - and he was met with a cold silence. No laughter, no cheering, just blank looks and the quiet.
He sits back down, looks at the old timer and asks what he could have done wrong?
The elder shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders and simple states, "Some can tell 'em - some can't!"
Hanging a blonde
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing." they ask her.
So she replies "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breathe."
--
It's all about CHOICE ! ... ;))
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing." they ask her.
So she replies "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breathe."
--
It's all about CHOICE ! ... ;))
A mexican, an american, and the pollock
A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
That's when she shot him...
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million . Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million . She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you'.
That's when she shot him...
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million . Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million . She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you'.
That's when she shot him...
Cigarette condoms
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
--
Camel, Kools, and Marlboros are cigs if you didn't know by now !
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
--
Camel, Kools, and Marlboros are cigs if you didn't know by now !
Lil Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" Little johnny was raising his hand but the teacher called on clyde. clyde said "I think its the heart." Little Johnny was still raising his hand but the teacher wouldn't call on him so she instead called on carl. carl said "I think its the brain." Little Johnny was still raising his hand and finally the teacher decided that he couldn't twist this into a bad thing. she called on little Johnny and he said "I think its the feet because I walked past my parents room and my mom had her feet pointing towards the ceiling and she said 'Oh God Im COMING!!"
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" Little johnny was raising his hand but the teacher called on clyde. clyde said "I think its the heart." Little Johnny was still raising his hand but the teacher wouldn't call on him so she instead called on carl. carl said "I think its the brain." Little Johnny was still raising his hand and finally the teacher decided that he couldn't twist this into a bad thing. she called on little Johnny and he said "I think its the feet because I walked past my parents room and my mom had her feet pointing towards the ceiling and she said 'Oh God Im COMING!!"
Little Johnny & the train
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out, but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming.
Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks, and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing and I'll stop being bad!"
Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!
Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
--
Wicked !
Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks, and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing and I'll stop being bad!"
Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!
Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
--
Wicked !
Friday, April 24, 2009
How to call the police - when someone's stealing from you
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-- -- --
The stuff that's given above is a true story... and it tells you why you shouldn't mess with wise and old people ;))
The same can be done in our city too, just for laughs !
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-- -- --
The stuff that's given above is a true story... and it tells you why you shouldn't mess with wise and old people ;))
The same can be done in our city too, just for laughs !
ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE
At Saint Rocco's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes & share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but best of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her!"
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but best of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her!"
Newly Married Blonde
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new husband, a Catholic, had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
A Shaken President
The Department Of Defense briefed the President this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Test tickle?!
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls".
It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
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